Serotonin: Breaking Down Harm OCD Stigma
“Serotonin” by Marie Ulven, better known by her stage name of girl in red, was released as a part of her 2021 album, if i could make it all go quiet. It is a deceptively catchy pop-punk song that approaches mental health with beautifully irreverent heart. Ulven has talked openly about her own OCD and generalized anxiety disorder diagnoses, and has confirmed that this song is an intentional representation of her own experiences with OCD. That genuine experience shines through in every word of the song, which manages to be an enjoyable listen while packing in punches within the lyrics itself. Every line is a powerful testimony of what it is to experience harm-based obsessions and the struggles that accompany that.
I get intrusive thoughts like cutting my hands off
Like jumping in front of a bus, like, how do I make this stop when it
Feels like my therapist hates me? (are you ready to see me now?)
…
I get intrusive thoughts like burning my hair off
Like hurting somebody I love, like, does it ever really stop?
The intrusive thoughts Ulven writes about are primarily based in self harm and suicide. These are very real intrusive thoughts to have, and can understandably be very distressing. Additionally, the final intrusive thought mentioned is of “Hurting somebody I love.” Both of these are very common types of harm-based intrusive thoughts to have, and both are equally opposed to the actual desires of the person experiencing them. Not only are they distressing by the nature of what they are, but they’re difficult to talk about without fear of judgment. When you haven’t heard of anything about OCD beyond cleanliness and you experience thoughts like these, when you haven’t learned about the way intrusive thoughts are in opposition to your morals, it can feel like these thoughts represent who you really are. It’s a vicious cycle of shame that’s challenging to get out of without help.
When there’s control, I lose it (are you ready to see me now?)
Incredibly impulsive (yeah)
So scared I’m gonna end up doing something stupid
OCD stands for obsessive-compulsive disorder. You have an obsession, usually seen in the form of an intrusive thought (Ex. “What if I jumped in front of this train?”) that distresses you. The compulsion is a direct response to that thought meant to suppress or fight against it (Ex. Avoidance of train stations and other situations that put you near moving vehicles). This compulsion, while it feels like a self-soothing mechanism, legitimizes the obsession in your mind as something that must be acted against to avoid it coming true. It provides a false sense of control that only strengthens the intrusive thoughts and continues their presence. In turn, it makes you even more afraid of losing the tenuous control you perceive yourself to have over your own impulses, which are actually intrusive thoughts rather than impulses representative of secret desires. Regardless, this cycle is vicious and tiring.
But I try to contain it, ah, it gets so drainin’
It’s like my heart is failing, every night, I’m contemplatin’
My inner voice is saying “Tough,” so I try to brush it off
Yeah, I try to brush it off
Compulsions put you in constant opposition to yourself, which is unhealthy by nature. Additionally, it can become a large time and energy drain. OCD is a disease of doubt, which makes it hard to recognize and be certain that your struggles are legitimate. Distressing intrusive thoughts are something the large majority of people with OCD have experienced regularly, but the nature of the doubt OCD causes makes it extremely challenging to take the step of talking about it to other people. Ulven’s sharply genuine lyrics are a testament to her ability to take a disorder that thrives in silence and make it public. The impact of this goes even beyond her own liberation. Ulven might be documenting her own experiences with OCD, but she’s far from the only one to have experienced these thoughts. And there’s a lot of value in being heard.
The response to “serotonin” that has resonated with Ulven the most has come from mental health professionals. She tells us that often times psychologists and mental health professionals who work with patients with OCD will recommend that they listen to the acclaimed girl in red track that tackles themes of struggling with OCD.
The if I could make it go quiet artist shares that often times mental health professionals will say, “‘Oh, listen to this song! I’ve never heard a song represent OCD in this way!’” Ulven notes, “that’s something that has kind of stuck with me because…I feel like I tapped into something that hasn’t really been tapped into.”
This is exactly why songs like “Serotonin” matter so much. To hear yourself in a song, see yourself in a movie, is so important. To hear yourself is to know that what you’re experiencing has been experienced and overcome before. Additionally, many people don’t even know that thoughts like these are OCD in the first place. Harm-based intrusive thoughts are not what’s primarily shown in pop culture. Ulven talks about this within her own experiences as well, saying that “Getting diagnosed with OCD made sense too. I have a lot of behavioural patterns that I’ve never actually thought of as OCD because of the way we view it — if you say ‘OCD’ people think about the need to have it clean, the need to wash every door handle. That’s one way to have it, but that’s not the only way.” Ulven is carving a new path for the people that listen to her music, giving them the chance to be heard, to have their struggles uplifted and named before they even know how to name themselves. “Serotonin” is everything I want the future of OCD in media to look like, and I cannot recommend it enough.