Talk Too Much: What is ROCD?
Relationship OCD can take many forms. It can be intrusive thoughts about the integrity of the relationship, such as persistent fear that your partner or yourself is going to cheat. It could be about the integrity of the people within the relationship. This can cause self doubt about your ability to sustain a relationship, or doubt about your partner that causes you to pick apart all of their behavior for signs that you aren’t meant to be together. It’s an insidious subset of the disorder that can make maintaining relationships incredibly draining and challenging without treatment.
“Talk Too Much” by Reneé Rapp is a very accurate depiction of relationship obsessions and compulsions. It covers multiple intrusive thoughts that can be associated with it, some of which can also overlap with other categories of obsessions. The song is absolutely worth listening to, and the lyrics are especially valuable in understanding what Relationship OCD can look like.
Tasted the blood in my mouth
And left you there to bleed out
It didn’t feel like a dream
Woke up and you looked so cute
Don’t think I could love you more
So, what the hell does it all mean?
This first section could be interpreted as both harm OCD and relationship OCD. It’s implied to be centered around a romantic partner. However, the focus of the thoughts are on physical harm. “And left you there to bleed out” is the line that feels the most aligned with relationship OCD. OCD as a whole is centered around fear. Intrusive thoughts are the worst possible outcomes brought to life. Therefore, relationship OCD tends to center on the relationship harming the person with OCD, their partner, or both of them. In this case, the protagonist fears hurting her partner just to leave. This, combined with the line of “Don’t think I could love you more” implies that during the dream, she didn’t love her partner. This is a common fear within relationship OCD, that you don’t truly feel love for them, or that the love you feel isn’t “real” love.
Another point this section brings up is how these thoughts and feelings can ebb and slow. Sometimes the relationship can be painless and easy, and moments later you’ll be overwhelmed with these intrusive thoughts. Those two phases can shift in severity and amount of time they last, and often can cause all relationship imagery to have the potential to be triggering.
I’m here again
Talking myself out of my own happiness
I’ll make it up ’til I quit
I wonder if we should just sit here in silence ’cause
Ooh, I think I talk too much
Ooh, I think I talk too much
Ooh, I think I talk too much
I debated removing the repetition from this at first. The point was the lyrics, so I didn’t need to show the same line more than once. But after further reconsideration, I don’t think that’s correct. The use of repetition is actually what draws me to music as a potential representation of OCD. OCD is a cycle. It happens over and over again, obsessions and compulsions feeding each other. Repetition of the thoughts, of the compulsions, of the cycle itself, all of this is integral to the disorder. Music is founded on repetition. Not only in the looping of the song as a whole, but of individual lyrics, as is the case here. She thinks she talks too much, and she thinks it over and over again. She knows the cycle is happening again, but she feels helpless to stop it. We see that in all of the lyrics in this section. It begins with “I’m here again / talking myself out of / my own happiness”, another depiction of how helpless she feels in the face of this cycle she can’t help but participate in.
If I see a blue car today
We’ll probably have to break up
So I close my eyes while I drive
And if it rains then it rains
And we’ll be over by May
That’s just the deal that I made
(In my head)
I’m takin’ everything I see as a sign, and
I know it’s crazy, but what if it’s right?
All of the scenarios listed above are a perfect example of thought neutralization. Thought neutralization occurs when, in an effort to suppress or prevent an intrusive thought, you attach arbitrary conditions to give yourself control. Dr Marianne Trent, clinical psychologist and trauma specialist, says that “It is like bargaining with yourself: if I think or do something, it will make something else more or less likely.” Intrusive thoughts can make you feel like you’ve lost control over yourself and the world around you. Thought neutralization is an attempt to regain control.
This section also highlights another important aspect of obsessive-compulsive thinking: People with OCD know these thoughts don’t make sense. Rapp says that “I know it’s crazy, but what if it’s right?” It’s not rational, but it feels easier to complete a small compulsion and take up some time rather than not and risk the intrusive thought becoming reality.
Okay, having said all that, do you still wanna be with me?
‘Cause like, I-I wanna be with you, like
Like maybe even forever
Holy shit, okay, maybe not forever
I mean like I’m not saying not, forever
I-I actually have no idea what I’m saying
Are you mad at me?
‘Cause it’s cool if you are, right? Like, I don’t care
But like if-if you are, then I’m gonna resent you
I-I’ll forgive you
But I was just wondering like, okay, like, is this a sign?
Do I actually hate you?
I just wanted to be honest, right
Like, do you still love me?
This section is the one that feels the most remarkably connected to the obsessive cycle within OCD. For one, the lack of certainty or willingness to commit. This is especially prominent in relationship OCD, which can specifically target the commitment inherent in a relationship as its central focus. This section also represents the range of thougths encompassed in relationship OCD. She goes from “Are you mad at me?” to “Do I actually hate you?” and then back to “Like, do you still love me?” All of these thoughts connect back to that lack of certainty that OCD causes in relationships. Psychologist Susan Albers says that:
At the baseline of the relationship, that safety and security doesn’t feel like it’s there — there’s this constant questioning. It means you can’t relax, enjoy and sink into the relationship. It’s difficult to live with and it’s difficult on the partner, too.
It’s a cycle of questioning of yourself and of others that never ends, in a way that is shown beautifully within “Talk Too Much.” She talks about being “here again / Talking myself out of my own happiness”. This is not a one-time issue, it’s a continuous pattern that disrupts relationships and interferes with her happiness. That is what relationship OCD is without treatment.
Relationship OCD can take over your life and make meaningful relationships a constant energy drain to maintain when you’re battling intrusive thoughts about every aspect of it. That’s why “Talk too much” is so valuable. Music has the power to verbalize those thoughts and feelings in a way that can be extremely validating to listen to. If this singer I admire thinks like this and feels comfortable sharing it, then it can’t make me a horrible person to have those thoughts too. It’s a comforting shield against a disorder that is so dependent on shame and fear. Reneé Rapp used her artistry to, intentionally or not, vocalize an experience shared by many people. Rapp has never publicly discussed OCD as a factor in her songs or her life. Nonetheless, I have never felt so represented in this struggle before.